Friday, April 29, 2011

a new beginning...again

I am terrible at blogging. The last time I blogged Elijah was 6 months old and the time before that when I found out he was a HE. But I want to do better. I am not really good with words. I won’t have cute catchy titles. I may or may not be consistent. But I do have lots of thoughts…many of which I will type and then quickly backspace for fear of people realizing HOW CRAZY I REALLY AM.

So here I am. My first post for the new baby. I have LOTS of thoughts on this. I am going to start by answering some questions that SOME people may have. Or maybe no one REALLY cares about the details of my life (besides my parents who know them anyway) and that is alright too…blogging will be therapeutic.

Were we trying to have another baby?

Yes. You make think we are crazy. But we want as many kids as God will give us….however He decides to give them to us. Timmy was ready for me to get pregnant again about a month after Elijah was born. I don’t even remember the month of Elijah was born. Over time (many months later) we thought you know what if it happens “accidentally on purpose” then that’s fine…but I didn’t want to say “YES, we are trying.” It happened with Elijah so easily. Well, it turned out we had to be a little more intentional this time…I will spare you all the details (even this might be too much). But here we are against all odds…and if you’ve ever studied procreation or the human body then you know it’s against ALL odds…with a baby that God is knitting together in my womb.

How far along am I?

My rough guestimate is about 5 weeks which will make this babies due date Dec 30, 2011. However, I am not scheduled for a dr’s visit for three more weeks so until then it is very much a guess.

How do I feel?

Over the last few days I have experienced a gamut of emotion. I took the first pregnancy test on Sunday (I know it was SOON but I was anxious). Well it was negative and I was DISAPPOINTED. So on Tuesday Timmy insisted I take another one. I was pretty NERVOUS and hesitant but I did and it came out positive. I was pretty SHOCKED…not shocked like I wasn’t expecting it but shocked like ‘can this really be true?!” I was HAPPY also. I wanted to wait and tell our family in like a special way…maybe Mother’s Day or something. Timmy, on the other hand, can never wait that long. He was the same way with Elijah…very excited and ready to tell right away. So we immediately made the calls. My favorite response from my sister… “Gosh. How many kids are you gonna have?” or “is it a boy or a girl?” “I am not sure, Austynne, the stick you pee on doesn’t tell you that.” But still most of Tuesday evening it was surreal. Wednesday morning I saw Elijah sleeping in his crib…he still looks so little. And I started thinking about how he is not going to understand why this new person is getting so much attention from his parents…and it made me SAD. Not the regret kind of sad but the looking over at my baby who just grew up into a big brother kind of sad. It is so hard to explain. Luckily for me it seems parents of multiple children have understood my heart. It is just this…when life changes it can be so happy and exciting but there is still some grief for the life leaving behind. Starting a new chapter is still closing an old one. And for every new chapter in my life (hs grad, marriage, birth of Elijah, moving, etc.) I have somewhat mourned the life that was. But a few hours later I was going thru old pictures and I came across the very first picture I took of Elijah. I took it when they first brought him to my room (on the way to the NICU). When I saw the picture my heart smiled with EXCITEMENT.

I can’t believe we get to do this again.

We are so blessed and undeserving.